Breaking Free from People-Pleasing: A Journey of Self-Discovery and Boundaries
Because your peace matters more
For years, I thought keeping others happy was the only way to avoid conflict and stay safe. It wasn’t until much later that I realized the cost of always saying ‘yes.’
People-pleasing often sneaks into our lives with no notice, becoming so natural that we mistake it for normalcy. For me, it wasn’t a single moment of clarity or revelation that made me realize I was trapped in this pattern. It was something I felt was expected of me.
Looking back, I realize that I learned people-pleasing early in life. My mother, starting around the age of 10, would often criticize me harshly. It was the way I spoke, how I did a chore, or the grades I brought home. If it didn’t meet her standards, it resulted in yelling, spanking, and emotional distance. My stepfather once said to me in Portuguese, “Às vezes você tem que engolir sapo.” It translates to “Sometimes, you just have to swallow the frog”. It means you have to accept things you don’t like, to avoid making matters worse with her.
From then on, I learned that keeping quiet, avoiding confrontation, and pleasing others could help me avoid punishment. This habit stuck with me as I grew older. I began to hide my failures, like my failed high school tests. I feared my mother’s reaction more than anything. The pressure to be perfect and to meet expectations became overwhelming. Though I had always been a good student, by my senior year of high school, I had failed almost every single class. But as long as I pleased my mother, I felt like I was doing my job. It wasn’t until I was about to visit my father in the U.S. that I realized how much I had been living to please others. At 17, I called my father, told him I wanted to live with him and moved to the States (less than a month before going to “visit”). This was the start of my journey. But, it took much longer to grasp the cost of people-pleasing.
Key Themes and Findings
1. Striving to Avoid Inferiority (SAI) and People-Pleasing
People-pleasing behaviors often stem from a deep fear of rejection and inferiority. Two primary factors contribute to this dynamic:
Insecure striving: A pressure to compete or validate oneself out of fear of being deemed inadequate. This behavior is tied to stress, anxiety, and depression. People feel compelled to gain approval at any cost.
Secure non-striving: Feeling socially accepted regardless of success. This approach helps people seek real connections, not external validation.
Fear of rejection and a need for validation drive people to be overly submissive. They want to avoid negative judgment. These patterns can be exhausting and ultimately erode self-worth.
2. Attachment Theory and People-Pleasing
Attachment theory provides another lens to understand people-pleasing behavior. Those with an anxious attachment style are particularly vulnerable:
Fear of abandonment: Anxiously attached people often harm themselves. They sacrifice or conform to risky behaviors to keep their relationships.
Boundary struggles: They often struggle to establish healthy boundaries. This makes them vulnerable to exploitation.
While people-pleasing may seem good-natured on the surface, it often results in internal stress, reduced satisfaction, and heightened anxiety within relationships.
3. Perfectionism and Validation Seeking
Perfectionistic traits, particularly socially prescribed perfectionism, create a strong desire for external validation that results in people-pleasing behaviors:
Validation seeking: Drives people to seek approval to prove their worth, making them more sensitive to rejection and more prone to depression.
Rejection sensitivity: A significant predictor of distress, it amplifies the emotional toll of seeking the approval of others.
Breaking Free and Reclaiming Identity
For years, people-pleasing served as a shield — keeping me in my comfort zone, avoiding conflict, and rejection. I learned that if I could make others happy, I could avoid disappointment and remain in their good graces. But at what cost? People-pleasing kept me from stepping outside my safe little box. I was terrified of saying no, whether it was to a friend, partner, or even a boss. I feared losing their approval, affection, or respect. I was paralyzed by the thought that disappointing someone could mean the end of a relationship — whether personal or professional.
Years passed by, and I found myself more of an observer of my own life than a participant. I was constantly busy ensuring that everyone else was happy, but I felt like I was fading away in the process. This is something many people-pleasers struggle with: the idea that our worth is measured by how much others approve of us and how much we can do for them. It’s a dangerous pattern that can leave us exhausted, unfulfilled, and disconnected from our true selves.
Embracing the Power of Saying No
The turning point came when I began to set boundaries, a process that was far from easy. Initially, saying no felt like an emotional weight that I couldn’t shake off. However, once I started practicing boundary-setting, something shifted. Now, I no longer feel guilty or anxious when I need to decline something.
By prioritizing my well-being, I’ve started feeling more like myself. I’ve stopped pretending to be someone I’m not to please others. This shift in mindset has allowed me to build healthier, more authentic relationships. While not everyone appreciated these changes — some called me “rude” or “selfish” — I’ve learned that relationships built on mutual respect are the ones that nourish your soul. Those rooted in obligation or fear of rejection only drain you.
Reflective Takeaways
True fulfillment comes from living authentically, embracing flaws, and finding balance in your relationships. People-pleasing may have served as a survival mechanism in the past, but it’s not sustainable. Here are some reflections to consider:
What does prioritizing your well-being look like for you?
Are there relationships in your life that feel more draining than nourishing?
How can you take small steps toward setting boundaries today?
I hope to inspire others who may feel trapped in the same cycle by sharing my journey. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to prioritize yourself. In doing so, you’re creating space for healthier relationships. You’re fostering a deeper, more genuine connection with yourself.
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References
Gilbert, P., Broomhead, C., Irons, C., McEwan, K., Bellew, R., Mills, A., Gale, C., & Knibb, R. (2007). Development of a striving to avoid inferiority scale. British Journal of Social Psychology, 46(4), 633–648. https://doi.org/10.1348/014466606X157789
Li, X. (2022). How Attachment Theory Can Explain People-Pleasing Behaviors. Exploratio Journal. https://exploratiojournal.com/how-attachment-theory-can-explain-people-pleasing-behaviors
Flett, G. L., Besser, A., & Hewitt, P. L. (2014). Perfectionism and interpersonal orientations in depression: An analysis of validation seeking and rejection sensitivity. Psychiatry, 77(1), 67–86. https://doi.org/10.1521/psyc.2014.77.1.67
Holtzhausen, N., Fitzgerald, K., Thakur, I., Ashley, J., Rolfe, M., & Pit, S. W. (2020). Swipe-based dating applications use and its association with mental health outcomes: A cross-sectional study. BMC Psychology, 8(22). https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-020-0373-1