Free Yourself from the Past: Finding Growth When Parents Never Change
Navigating Unchanged Relationships While Growing Into Yourself
It happens suddenly. One moment, you’re an adult, living your life and managing your responsibilities. The next, you’re a teenager again — caught in a spiral of frustration, hurt, and anger. All it takes is one comment from a parent. A dismissive remark about your career, or a subtle jab about your choices: you’re no longer a child who needs their approval. But their words and tone take you back there. If you’ve ever felt this, you’re not alone.
Our parents — the people who shaped us in profound and often messy ways — don’t always grow at the same pace as we do. Some may never change at all. That realization can feel devastating. But it can also allow for a different healing. It can heal the inner teenager who still carries those wounds.
Understanding the Inner Teenager
The “inner teenager” is the part of you that formed in adolescence. It was a time of massive growth, identity-building, and emotional upheaval. It’s the part of you that wanted to be seen and heard. It craved independence. It may have felt hurt when those needs went unmet.
Those years may have left unresolved feelings:
Frustration at never being “enough.”
Anger at being dismissed.
Sadness from unmet emotional needs.
This inner teenager can resurface as an adult, especially when interacting with parents. A single comment or look might trigger old feelings of being misunderstood. It’s often not about the specific words parents say. It’s about the emotions those words awaken, rooted in a younger version of yourself.
Why Parents Struggle to Change
Parents often hold on to outdated perceptions of their children. Why?
Deeply Ingrained Memories
Parents have witnessed the most messy, imperfect stage of our growth. Those memories can overshadow the capable adults we’ve become, keeping them stuck in seeing us as the rebellious teenagers or uncertain young adults.
Emotional Limitations
Many parents carry unprocessed trauma or operate within societal and generational norms. For example, a parent who was never validated may struggle to validate their child — even as an adult. Cultural norms that value parental authority over emotional ties can also play a role.
Fear of Change
For some, acknowledging your growth means confronting their shortcomings or mistakes. Change can feel threatening, especially for those who haven’t faced their inner struggles.
Understanding these dynamics doesn’t excuse hurtful behavior, but it can offer a lens through which to view it. Ultimately, waiting for your parents to change often leads to frustration. True healing starts with shifting your expectations. Focus on what you can control — your growth.
Healing the Inner Teenager
Healing doesn’t mean ignoring the hurt or pretending it never happened. It means recognizing the pain, understanding its roots, and offering your younger self the compassion they needed but didn’t receive. Therapy can be a powerful tool for this process. Here are some approaches that might resonate:
1. Inner Teenager Dialogue
Take time to connect with your inner teenager through journaling or visualization. What did they need to hear back then? Write a letter to them, offering reassurance and understanding.
For example:
“I see how hard you were trying. You didn’t deserve to feel dismissed, and your feelings were valid. You were enough.”
This practice allows you to validate your experiences. It can be healing, even if you have never heard those words from others.
2. Reframing Their Words
When a parent’s comment triggers you, pause and ask yourself: What is this really about? Often, it’s not the comment itself but the unmet need it taps into.
For example, instead of thinking, “They’ll never see me as an adult,” reframe it as
“Their view doesn’t define my worth.”
Reframing helps you reclaim your narrative. It helps you respond from a place of empowerment, not reactivity.
3. Setting Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for protecting your peace. They don’t have to be confrontational. Instead, aim for clarity and kindness.
For instance:
“I’m not comfortable discussing my career choices right now, but I’d love to talk about something else.”
The goal isn’t to control your parents’ behavior, but to create a safe emotional space for yourself.
4. Somatic Practices
Our bodies often store the tension of past emotional wounds. Deep breathing, grounding exercises, or movement can help. They can release that stored energy.
If you become reactive in a conversation, take a moment to ground yourself. Focus on your breath or your senses. Notice the texture of your clothing or the feeling of your feet on the floor.
Navigating the Relationship Now
Healing doesn’t mean cutting off the relationship (unless that’s what’s healthiest for you). It’s about shifting how you engage with your parents:
See Them as Humans, Not Heroes
Start by seeing your parents as flawed humans rather than idealized figures. This shift can create space for empathy while still honoring your boundaries.
Choose Selective Vulnerability
If your parents struggle to validate your emotions, limit what you share with them. Seek support from friends, partners, or therapists instead.
Step Back if Needed
It’s okay to limit interactions if they consistently harm your mental health. Protecting your peace isn’t selfish; it’s necessary for your growth.
These steps don’t mean giving up on the relationship. They aim to prioritize your well-being in it.
Moving Forward
Healing the inner teenager isn’t about erasing the past or waiting for your parents to change. It’s about honoring your journey. It’s about giving yourself compassion. It’s about learning to navigate the present with clarity and strength. Some days, it will feel messy and complicated. But each step you take is a step toward freedom.
Each step you take — journaling, setting a boundary, or grounding — reclaims your story. It helps you live as your fullest self. You are no longer the person you were at 17. You’ve grown, learned, and gained tools to care for the tender parts of yourself.
That’s the beauty of healing: it doesn’t rely on others. It starts and ends with you.
What’s one small step you can take today to care for your inner teenager? Share your thoughts in the comments — I’d love to hear from you.